Two occasions of peace in the courtyard

We left at eight in the morning - the sun was shining and it was already very warm. I didn't expect to see anyone but people were walking to work and to school, it seemed so strange to us who hadn't yet been to sleep.

Breakfast in the courtyard, I sat against the lamppost in the sun until 10 o'clock. I have never been out there when it was so peaceful and quiet and warm. I nearly fell asleep and felt for a while like I was in a dream.

[When sitting out in the courtyard I felt at one point a sense of detachment from my life. I could hear us out there from inside my room. I have also felt this detachment from my own life when looking at videos or photographs I have taken or am in.]

Flying

I think I have this obsession with trying to fly in my dreams because when I was little I had the most realistic and vivid dream in which I let myself float in our old hallway, below the light switch between the doors to the lounge and the dining room. I lent forwards and found myself floating on my front, about waist high. And for a while I believed this happened in real life, before succumbing to the disappointing reality that this was not possible in waking life, and this thing called gravity prevents us from floating in midair at will.

(One day I will learn to roller skate along the walls of buildings)

Letting Go

To let go (from someone), you have to trust their actions. It's like driving a car - when you're driving, you feel like you're in control because you know what you're going to do next, so when you brake quickly you don't feel on edge. But when you're a passenger and the driver brakes suddenly, you didn't know they were going to do that so you do feel on edge - you're not making the decision, you can't read their mind, and you're not in control. But if you can trust their judgement then you're going to feel better, because you're treating them like yourself, on the same level of understanding as you (you know you're capable of braking, so why shouldn't they be?). This perhaps isn't the best example, but in real life you do have to trust that those you love are going to make the right decisions, rather than interfering right away or holding on for too long and suffocating them. You can't be in control of other's lives. It could be really quite narcissistic to think yourself better at making decisions or dealing with things.

The future

I no longer see this as two different paths, or even fifty different paths laid out ahead of me. Instead I liken this confusion and overwhelming feeling of life to filling a glass up with water and swirling it around a room - my path could now be any one of those water particles and although I could never see my path going far from me, I know now that I am limited by the room in which the water is thrown. And I think this is one thing but my eyes could be deceiving me, so although I know the drop is going to fall somewhere in the room, I don't know which drop will be me and I don't even know if I'm seeing the room correctly.